Skillet Enchilada & a Blue October

Ingredients

10-12 corn tortillas
2 cans chicken breast, drained
1 can Rotel
1 can red enchilada sauce
1 can tomato sauce (the smaller can)
shredded cheese

Instructions

1. Tear the tortillas into small, bite-sized pieces.
2. In a large skillet combine the tortilla pieces and the chicken. Heat until it's warm.
3. Add in the Rotel, enchilada sauce, and tomato sauce, along with some shredded cheese.
4. Stir everything and heat until hot. It takes about 5 or so minutes.
5. Add more cheese on top and serve.

Okay, so as you can tell... I wrote this one from memory. Definitely does not sound as proper as the other recipes I've shared. But let me tell  you.. this one is so quick and so easy. It's also good left over. And for me to say that is huge.. I normally don't eat left overs. Although, I'm learning to love them.

On another, totally separate note... THE ROYALS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES TONIGHT. I'm seriously so stoked. It's been 29 years since the Royals made it. That's 1985 people. And our team is absolutely amazing. Not just as players, but as people. They truly are becoming America's team. I love it. I'm very ready for the game tonight:

I am so ready to cheer the boys on tonight! And I could not help but laugh at the fact that my Royals shirt is almost too short to for my belly! Used to fit perfectly, and now my belly is too big for the shirt. Good thing I have tons of tank tops to layer with! Can it just be February already?  

New food, among other things.

So lately, Matthew and I have been really working on expanding our cooking expertise. With Matthew being so busy with his classes, I've really tried to step it up in the kitchen. Matthew has almost always been the only one to cook in our house, except for a few recipes that I got from my mom. But he has physical training three times a week and at least an hour of homework every single night. I don't think it would be fair to expect him to come home and cook every single night - especially because some meals take a bit of time to cook. And living off Hamburger Helper just isn't healthy.

One of the ways that we really work on this is by creating a menu every week. Every Saturday I sit down and make a menu and a grocery list to go along with it. This not only takes the stress out of trying to decide what to eat every day, but also helps us save money. We go shopping only once a week, rather than a couple different times. Having a grocery list that contains only ingredients for our dinners and then some stuff for lunches really saves money. It also saves time for us because we don't just wander the isles trying to decide what we may want four days from then. Here's our menu for this week:

Sometimes we end up moving stuff around.. and we are this week, but it all gets eaten in the end :) A few friends have been asking for recipes, and I figured rather than send them out individually every single time, I could start collecting them here! So today I'll put three different ones on here - Creamy Tomato Spinach Tortellini, a green bean casserole, and pumpkin bites.

Creamy Tomato Spinach Tortellini

 Ingredients

1 bag regular sized Barilla three cheese tortellini (8 oz)
2 teaspoon minced garlic
1 cup chopped fresh spinach
1 can petite diced tomatoes (undrained)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil
1 teaspoon onion flakes
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups half-and-half
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Instructions

1. Boil tortellini until it's done.
2. While the tortellini is boiling, chop the spinach roughly.
3. Heat a large skillet using medium heat and put the two teaspoons of minced garlic into it. Sautee it briefly until fragrant.
4. Add into the skillet the can of diced tomatoes, spinach, salt, pepper, dried basil, and onion flakes.
5. Cook and stir over medium high heat until the mixture begins to bubble.
6. In another bowl, combine the flour and half-and-half. Whisk until smooth.
7. Add the mixture into the skillet along with the Parmesan cheese.
8. Heat through and reduce heat to medium low and continue to cook until mixture thickens, about five minutes.
9. Add in the drained tortellini and mix together. Then serve.

Green Bean Casserole

Ingredients

1 can cream of mushroom soup
3/4 cup milk
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 1/3 cup French's French Fried Onion
2 cans green beans, drained

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix soup, milk, and pepper in a bowl.
2. Add in green beans and 2/3 cup onions. Transfer to a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish. 
3. Bake for 30 minutes. Top with remaining onions. Bake another 5 minutes.

Pumpkin Bites

Ingredients

1/2 cup egg beaters
1/2 cup water
1 box spice cake mix
1 can pumpkin
3/4 cup cinnamon chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix all ingredients in a bowl.
3. Spray mini muffin pans and fill with the mixture.
4. Bake for 18 minutes.

I, sadly, did not think to take a picture of the pumpkin bites last night as I was making them. So next time :) I will say that none of these recipes are of my own making. I find them on Pinterest, in a cook book, or I get them from friends/family. I basically just want to put them here in a common place so everyone can have access. If you try them, let me know!

Other than cooking new meals, Matthew and I have been spending some fun times with friends! Getting to know everyone here has been my favorite part of being in California. On Saturday we carved pumpkins with several friends!

We had such a wonderful time!

As well as trying new recipes, I've been trying to get crafty. Not only have I been knitting like crazy, but I've started some projects for Phoenix! Here's the beginning of my favorite one:

 I'm hoping this project turns out so cool. Once it's completed, you'll see another picture! But seeing as this post is probably the longest one I've ever written, I suppose I should wrap this up! Be looking out for those new recipes :)  For now, I'll leave you with this... [24 weeks]

Doctor appointments...

Have never been so fun!

I've always hated going to the doctor... until now. Especially these last two times. Being able to see Phoenix on that ultrasound... it's amazing. It's beautiful. And it's even slightly terrifying.

Here's the sonogram pictures from today:

Isn't it strange how something black & white and grainy can be so cute? I love these profile shots - seeing his little nose is adorable. I can't wait to actually be able to boop his nose! He kept touching his face and moving around. And his mouth even moved as if he were chewing! Already practicing for when he's in the real world :) My, oh my, it's amazing how even though he's so small, he's so efficient. I got to watch his four chamber (that's right - FOUR CHAMBERS) heart beat and it was wonderful. The doctor said that Phoenix is completely healthy - which of course was so nice to hear.

I still have 18 weeks to go, and I'm already SO EXCITED to meet Phoenix. I can't wait to watch him grow up and develop his own personality. I've heard that boys are so adventurous and so much fun to raise. But even with that... I get so nervous. I mean, mini panic attack nervous. I know absolutely nothing about raising a baby! Especially a boy. He's going to be 100% dependent upon me and Matthew. But I feel like he's reallllly going to be dependent on me, since I want to breastfeed. I've had numerous dreams where I've forgotten to feed my baby. They're so scary, and they make me so super nervous. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Am I truly ready to be a mom?

Sometimes I can't even believe I get to be a mom. I thank God every day for giving me this beautiful gift. It's such a blessing and such a miracle. It amazes me every day that my body is growing this human! I mean, come on! He started from one tiny, itty bitty cell, and now he's an 8 inch long, one pound baby! How does this even happen? God has made us so beautifully and even though I may complain about the aches and pains, I feel so lucky that I get to carry Phoenix until he's ready to make his entrance into this world.

Why I Withdrew From Grad School

Last night, I withdrew from my two grad classes. I'm officially not a student anymore. Now.. before anyone jumps down my throat about this... I've thought long and hard about this.

Last spring when I was accepted into this program and registered for it, I never had any idea that I was going to get pregnant. Had I known, I never would have signed up for the courses. Once I was signed up, I thought I'd just stick with it. But a couple things within me changed.

I'm just not as passionate about it as I was. Every time I tried to do my school work, I wanted to scream and cry and throw a fit and not do it. Doing the research did not spark a fire like it used to. I am not a person to force myself to do something that I am not passionate about. I could not bring myself to write a paper or read the chapters or anything.

It was once I recognized this that I realized something else. I did not want to be a student anymore. Being pregnant and preparing to be a mom has changed everything for me. It's made me rethink my priorities and rethink what I want for myself and my future. For as long as I can remember, I've been career focused. I wanted to get as high degree as I could and have a steady and awesome career. But now that I'm only a few months away from giving birth to our first child, all of my wants have changed. I'm no longer career focused. I want to be a wife to Matthew and a mother to Phoenix. I don't want to be a student anymore. I no longer want a career - I want to be a stay at home soccer mom. I want to be there to watch my children grow up as much as possible. I have the opportunity to do so, and I'm not about to throw it away. I've always been family oriented - it's how my parents have raised me.

These two factors led me to making the decision to withdraw from my classes. Matthew has been so wonderful and has supported me 100% in this decision. My professors were extremely nice and told me that I am always welcome to go back to the program in the future. This was totally a personal decision, and one that I did not take lightly. But as soon as I withdrew, I felt a million times better. I'm now free to do what I really want with my time. Technically, I suppose I'm a "grad school dropout", but I certainly don't feel that way. I am re-prioritizing, and putting myself and my family first - and that's the best decision I could ever make.

So it's been a while...

I suppose it's been a while since I've written anything, and I apologize for that. Things have been a bit crazy. Life is pretty different now, I'll admit. I mean, I've only moved 2,000 miles. No biggie!

Let me try to think of some of the biggest changes: move to California, baby's gender reveal, getting our stuff & setting up our home, and hospital trip #3. Wow. Lot's of stuff.

So I now live in California! It's been a pretty big change coming from Springfield, MO to Seaside, CA. It's always nice here. Mid 60s to low 70s every day. It's gorgeous. The drive was crazy - so long, but definitely interesting! My wonderful dad drove out with me - it was so fun. The cats were a lot better than I thought they would be! We only had one accident in their cages in over 30 hours. Boo yah. My dad and I were exhausted for over a week after we drove out. (Btw, we drove straight through - no big deal) It was so fun to venture into states that I have never seen before. We went through Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, and California. It was great. Sure, there were some super boring parts, but lucky me - I got to sleep through those :) One of the weirdest things about living in California is being 2 hours behind pretty much everyone I've ever known. It's changed how I converse with people and it's even changed how I watch my tv shows! My mom gets to watch everything before me. Like hours before me. It's strange! Being in California has been amazing though, mostly because I'm back with my husband. Being apart for several months was hard. I have so much respect for the spouses who are apart from their husbands/wives for a year or more. It's so hard. I feel so lucky that I get to live with Matthew again. He starts class this Thursday, and he's getting really excited.

After I got to California, I found an OB. Luckily, he was super nice and I loved him! (If anyone in the Seaside/Monterey area needs an OB - check out Dr. Stephen Walker. Seriously, he was great.) Anyway, I was really hoping that I'd get to find out the gender of our baby as soon as possible. I was originally supposed to find out on September 5, but then I moved. I didn't think I'd get to find out at this appointment since it was my first one. But I was wrong! We did an ultrasound and found out that Baby Gleaton is a.... BOY! We are SO EXCITED to be having a boy. His name will be Phoenix. Matthew came up with it. Isn't it awesome!? So now we are starting to get things ready to bring our  baby boy into the world.

About 3 weeks after I arrived in California, our stuff finally arrived! Living in an empty house for three weeks was harder than we expected, that's for sure. But we managed. The movers got here around 8 and left about 12:30. Didn't take them too long to get everything off the truck! And we've been very fortunate - there were only a few things that were slightly damaged. Matthew and I have been busy unpacking everything. And by Matthew and I, I mean mostly Matthew. Sadly, I cannot do a whole lot because of the baby. Our home is definitely coming together. Slowly but surely. We made a big step towards this by getting cable and internet! We are so excited to have AT&T UVerse. I have a DVR finally!! Yaaaay :)

Hospital trip #3 of the year 2014. Yikes. Whew. I can't even handle this. On Sunday afternoon, I started having some chest pain. At first I thought it was just heartburn and that I was going to have to just suffer through it. But by Sunday night, I started thinking that maybe something else was wrong. I was in so much pain - I could hardly breathe and I was crying and it was just a mess. Finally, I asked Matthew to take me to the ER. I had taken my heartburn pill and tums and it wasn't working. We arrived at the ER around one in the morning. They rushed me right in and started doing tests. They immediately did an EKG to rule out my heart. Then not long after the doctor came in. By this time I had started noticing that the pain was only on one side of my chest - my left side. So the doctor ordered a blood test to check for inflammation and/or a clot. It was difficult because there's so many things they can't do due to Phoenix. After waiting around for a few hours, the blood results were back. No clot, but inflammation. My doctor diagnosed me with costochondritis. This is when the joints where the ribs meet the sternum become inflamed. It has been said that the pain is comparable to a heart attack. Normally, they will give narcotics to help, but again, because of Phoenix, I can't take them. So I've been taking it extremely easy and taking Tylenol. Thankfully, I'm starting to feel better. But from what I've heard and read, this is something that could follow me through the rest of my pregnancy. So cool.

So, it's already been quite the adventure in the last month and a half! But I've fallen in love with California. We've met some amazing people since being here and we have a social life! In fact, we have a dinner date tonight with some new friends. I'm very excited. I'm never going to want to leave this wonderful place and these wonderful people.

Sometimes things don't go your way.

It's only Tuesday, and this week has already been hard. Yesterday, all of the plans Matthew and I had made not only came to a crashing halt, but completely crumbled. For those who don't know, Matthew dislocated his shoulder a couple of weeks ago. He was originally told that even though 4 weeks of physical therapy was suggested, he wouldn't have to complete the full four weeks (because then he would miss his ship off date for California). Since we had been told this, we made plans as if he were shipping off on the 3rd of July (because we were told he would).

But yesterday, all of that changed.

He was told that the information he was given was wrong. He does, in fact, have to complete all four weeks of physical therapy. Matthew will not be medically cleared until July 14, four days after his class start date. This could, and more than likely will, change absolutely everything. We are losing the housing we were supposed to get; Matthew will remain in Texas until probably September (or maybe longer); Matthew will probably lose his language of Korean and will be given something different; and we have absolute no clue when we will see each other again. We went from seeing each other in less than two weeks to not knowing the next time we will see each other again.

Yes, I understand it could be worse. I get that. I know that everyone has their own problems. But telling me that isn't going to make things better for me. Because in my own little world, everything seems to be crumbling. I don't care how self-centered that sounds - it sucks. Yes, I understand that this is the military, and these things happen. That doesn't make it suck less. (And may I add that Matthew's instructor has never seen this before - obviously not very common.)

There is a chance that Matthew could be stuck at Lackland anywhere from a month to six months or longer. We just have no idea. I am petrified that it will be too long of a time. If it isn't soon enough, I will not be able to travel to California until after our baby is born - which means that Matthew would miss the birth of our first child and may not even see me while I'm pregnant. I know that this sometimes happens when you're a military spouse, but personally, I'm not mentally prepared for that.

Being pregnant and alone is one of the scariest things I've ever done. Yes, I have an amazing support system - my family and friends are being so helpful. But when it comes to day to day, I'm pretty much alone in Springfield. Pregnancy is scary as it is, and not having Matthew here to help me through it is hard. My body is doing things I didn't know were possible. I am so hyper-aware of my body that it sometimes makes me paranoid. I'm so afraid that something will go wrong, and he won't be here to help me through it. I seriously admire all the single moms and military wives who do everything on their own. It's scary, and it's hard, and it takes a lot of strength.

I'm not writing this blog to complain, or throw a pity party. Believe me, I am still so thankful for everything that I do have. Sometimes it's just hard to keep your head above the water, when everything seems to be going wrong. For me, the best thing to do is write it out. If you don't agree, then you don't have to read it. I know that I am so lucky to even be pregnant, and to be married to the most amazing man. But I also know that being a military spouse is different than I ever expected. No amount of advice or anything beforehand can prepare you for what's to come. Again, I'm not complaining - I'm just learning that things are not always what they seem.

New titles.

This last year has been a wild and crazy ride - and I didn't even realize it! My current "titles" include: cat mom (times 3), wife, military spouse, college graduate, and now... MOM!

Two and a half years ago I said I was never getting married. Now here I am, extremely happily married and pregnant! I got my positive test on Wednesday:

I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday and Friday! I can't wait - it will make it super official.

We told our parents this weekend! Well, I did, anyway. Matthew is still at Lackland in San Antonio. All parents are super excited, as is our friends! We've gotten some amazingly good responses to our news! I was really nervous about it, but it seems that it was all for nothing. Everyone cannot wait for Baby Gleaton to be here!

Speaking of Baby Gleaton, he or she will be arriving sometime in February. Those fun online calculators estimate about February 10. If I were to be early it could be on Matthew's birthday (February 7) or if I'm late it could be on Valentine's day! But we shall see. I already can't wait to know the gender, but we have to wait until September!

I know there have to be some people out there who think that I'm too young, or we haven't been married long enough. But to those people I say: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. Matthew & I are so excited about this, and personally I believe that Matthew and I will be awesome parents. This is the next step for us and we are taking it (obviously).

YAY FOR BABY GLEATON!

Saying goodbye never gets easier.

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Things have been a bit crazy lately. Matthew &  I have both gone through some pretty big changes - he graduated BMT and I graduated college. May's been pretty good to us. Matthew got his language: Korean. He's pretty excited about it. He starts at the DLI July 10, and will graduate from there November 5, 2015. That's quite a long time in Cali, and we are definitely okay with it! After that he will go to Goodfellow for several months and then to SERE training for about a month. After that we will finally get to go to our first duty station (either Nebraska, Arizona, or Japan).

One thing I've really learned is that saying goodbye never gets easier. I got to come down to San Antonio for Memorial Day weekend and I stayed on base. Matthew didn't get to stay overnight with me, but we spent from 4 am to 11 pm together (except for today because accountability was earlier). It was an amazing four days together. We were super lazy most of the time and it was awesome! I really thought that since I said goodbye back in March and then again at the beginning of May, it would be easier this time. So as I was dropping Matthew off at his squadron, I really thought that I wouldn't cry or anything. WRONG. As soon as I drove away, I started crying. And I cried some more when I got back to my hotel room. And I'm sure I'll cry on the drive home tomorrow.

I suppose in a way I'm lucky though. I'm so in love with Matthew and we have such a great marriage that it makes it so hard to be away from each other. Not everyone gets so lucky. And I am so thankful for everything that Matthew has done for us. He is working so hard and doing so well in the Air Force, and I admire him so much. I hope to be half the person that he is. I truly do.

Medical Emergencies: Part Two.

Well, things have finally calmed down for me. On the health front anyway. I had my follow up on Friday, and everything looked great, according to my doctor. He said everything looked back to almost normal and that I should be good to go as long as I finish all of my antibiotics. It's been really nice to wear underwear again and to be able to actually close my legs. I was really tired of having to sit with my legs splayed open - not very ladylike at all.

But now is when I start catching up on all my school work. I'm about a week and a half behind and trying to catch that up will make me fall behind this week. So I have another super busy week on my hands. But that's okay because it makes the time go by a lot quicker! [There's only 30 days until I see Matthew again!!]

There's been a lot of other problems other than my health issues, but I won't bore them with you here. I will say that this has been one of the most stressful months I've had in a REALLY long time. Actually, 2014 is just shaping up to be super stressful - I mean, I've already been in the ER twice this year! But I know that it will all be worth it.

We booked our trip to San Antonio yesterday for Matthew's graduation! I'm seriously beyond excited. I can't believe he's already been gone for 27 days! We're almost half way done! April 30 needs to just get here already. I know the time will fly by though - there's so much going on this month. All of my classes are starting to wrap up this month since it's the last full month of school! I can't believe that I'm already almost done with college. It's so crazy. It still hasn't sunken in that I will be a college graduate this May. Where has the time gone?

I've learned a LOT this last week about myself and about those around me. It's been a very interesting experience, and I'm just so thankful that I really do have so many amazing people in my life. Matthew may be gone, but I am certainly not alone.

Medical Emergencies: Part One.

I'm honestly not even sure where to begin with this one. So much has happened within the last week and a few days, and I'm still trying to process it all. But I know it's something that I need to get out - it may help me feel like some of this stress is being lifted off my chest. I suppose I will start with what's going on. This next part will be personal and may make some of you (especially the guys) a little uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, skip to the bold writing below. Otherwise... here's what has been happening in my life since last Monday.

Last Monday started pretty much like any other. I woke up, showered, etc. Except I had a little bit of pain down by my pelvic bone. I thought maybe I had bruised it in some way, but I knew that wasn't really all that possible. So I started investigating, and I found a small lump in a place it shouldn't be. I asked my mom about it and she said it probably wasn't anything. So I put it to the back of my mind and didn't really think about it. Well, by Wednesday it was bigger, more painful, and just all around worse. So I called Taylor Health & Wellness. I made an appointment for Thursday afternoon. I went in and the nurse practitioner (that may be spelled wrong? I'm not sure - but whatever) said that I should take hot baths and that it may get better, but that if it didn't to call her Friday morning. So Friday morning I called back because it was worse and I went in to see another doctor. This doctor tried to drain it by sticking a needle in me. I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say this was the worst pain I've EVER experienced in my life. I silently screamed and I cried and the nurse had to hold me down. The doctor took a culture and the lump, now about the size of a nickel, was not drained. She put me on two antibiotics and told me to continue the baths.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I had a complete breakdown in my tub during one of those awful baths. I mean, screaming at God, bawling my eyes out breakdown. So I texted my mom and said I was coming to Kansas City. I couldn't stay down in Springfield anymore. I packed a small bag, grabbed my laptop and left. By this time the lump was about the size of a quarter. I knew the antibiotics should have at least kept it from getting worse. Now jump to Sunday evening. I decide to go to the ER. I can't take the pain anymore. This was now my second trip to the ER in 2014.

We get into the room and wait for the nurse. She comes and takes a look at my problem. She states that she has never seen this before and that this will be interesting. A bit later the ER doctor comes in, takes a look, and also states he's never seen anything like this. He left to call the OB that was on call for the night. I was freaking out. I mean, seriously? It can't be good when an ER doctor tells you that he doesn't know what something is. They're supposed to know just about everything, right? Well, when comes back he tells me that the OB told me that I need to go see a gynecologist on Monday. I left the ER with two more prescriptions - pain medicine and nausea medicine (one of the antibiotics had me throwing up all Sunday morning).

So yesterday I go into the gynecologist office, and see this doctor. He takes a super long look, and says the same thing as the ER doctor - he's never seen this before. He leaves and gets another gynecologist. She comes in, looks, and says the same thing. Btw - it's now the size of a good sized grape. They decided they wanted to try to drain it again. This would require them numbing me and then sticking a rather large needle in it. I freaked out. I didn't want another needle down there. Friday was painful enough. But I felt I had no other option. But once he started to get ready to do it, I had a panic attack. So we decided to do the surgery route. I left the gynecologist office with my fifth prescription - a new antibiotic. They titled the surgery "Incision and Drainage of Periclitoral Abscess". If you're brave, feel free to google it. A periclitoral abscess is super rare - so rare this is no research on it and it goes case by case - so rare that they know no cause.

Okay, for those who skipped all that - you can start reading here again.

So my surgery is at 2 pm tomorrow. Aside from all of this, we've ran into several other problems. One of them being my health insurance. Now that Matthew is active, I should be covered under Tricare. However, in their system he is listed as single, not married. And of course, the only one who can fix it is Matthew. So we've been paying up front and out of our own pockets. Then, after taking the third antibiotic, I found I'm allergic to it - which means that I'm more than likely allergic to penicillin. So that was fun. My doctor wants me to take a skin allergy test, but it's hard to get those done. For example, KU Med's first available appointment was in June.

I also had to call the Red Cross so that I could get an emergency message to Matthew, who had absolutely no idea this was even going on. What I didn't know is how complicated that would be. They needed a ton of info and they even had to call my doctor to verify that I was actually having surgery tomorrow. Finally, about 5:30 I got a call from a Texas number. It was Matthew. He was so shocked. The first words out of his mouth were "I just.... I just heard that you're....having...surgery tomorrow...?" So I gave him a very short version of what was going on and told him not to worry that I had a ton of people here to help me and be with me. He asked me if he needed to come home. I told him no, and that was the hardest thing. But I'll get to that in a minute. I then told him I needed him to fix the insurance thing for me. [Side note: It's now after midnight and I can no longer drink or eat anything. Just thinking about it makes me thirsty.] The phone call only lasted about five minutes. If that. By the time we got off, I could tell he was crying. I kept my composure until after I hung up, and then I lost it.

Okay, so there are the facts. Now here's how I've been feeling: overwhelmed, pained, sad, helpless, uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, despaired, lonely, miserable, and any other emotion you can think of.

Telling Matthew to not come home was seriously the hardest thing - harder than putting him on the plane exactly three weeks ago. I so badly wanted to just beg him to get on the next flight he could so that he could be by my side through this. But I know that isn't the best thing for him right now. He's already on Week 4, and he has an amazing flight. If he came home, he'd have to start all over. And I just couldn't do that to him. But that doesn't make it any easier. I must say that this week has really taught me what being a military spouse means. It means making some pretty big sacrifices. It means being very selfless. It means putting others, the military, and the country before yourself. When Matthew swore into the Air Force on March 4, I said I admired him for making this commitment. His mom pointed out that I had too, but I sort of dismissed it. I mean, I'm not the one who's doing the training and who's actually in the AF. But she's right. I made this commitment too, and I'm going to have to make sacrifices just as he is.

This week has been extremely trying - mentally, emotionally, physically. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh I don't know how you're doing it, you're so strong. If it were me, I'd never be able to go through this." To this I say, I'm not strong. In fact, I feel like I'm at my weakest right now. I think that we are all able to more than we ever thought possible when there are no other options. I'm trying to be strong and brave, but the key word is 'trying'. I've cried sooo much over the last few days. I can't remember the last time I've cried so much. It's exhausting, honestly. But the last thing I feel is strong.

I've really struggled as a Christian as well. As I mentioned before, I was screaming at God on Saturday. And I mean, I literally was screaming. I feel like He's turned his back on me. I know that isn't true. But I can't deny that I'm incredibly mad at God. It sounds childish, but I mean, come on, my husband just left, do I really need this too? It's not fair! I'm sure there's some lesson to be learned, but right now, I'm not too interested in it. If I were to see God, I'd probably punch Him in the face, not gonna lie. I still love God, don't get me wrong. I've spent so many hours over the last few days praying to Him. But I'm still angry. And I'm sure I will be for a little while. But I know that He has his own plan, and I know that this is just a part of it. So I will continue moving forward, as He wants me too. But I'm definitely dragging my feet right now.

Now that this is by far the longest blog I've ever written, I suppose I'll wrap this up. I have a million more things that I could type, but I guess I should really get some sleep before tomorrow. Tomorrow may be the hardest day of all. Or maybe the easiest since I'll be knocked out for part of it. Who knows. Either way, I know it will work out exactly as it should.

What is strength, really?

Until recently, I have thought of strength (emotionally, rather than physically) as meaning that someone can handle anything, and they can handle it well, perfectly even. A "strong" person is someone who doesn't cry when sad; is someone who can weather any situation; is someone who can still be happy and themselves even in the toughest of times. And every time I started crying because I miss Matthew so much it literally hurts, I felt weak. With every tear that has fallen, I've felt like I've let myself and I've let Matthew down. I've felt like I haven't been the strong wife and person that I need to be.

Tonight, I had the biggest breakdown I've had so far. It came out of no where, and as soon as those tears started falling, I started hating myself for it, which only made me crying harder (and louder). I texted my two best friends, who, I'm sure, are getting tired of this broken record already. I'm pretty sure that I've told them just about every day that I miss Matt - even though they already know this. I'm not telling you this for sympathy - I'm telling you this because it led to an epiphany.

I realized tonight that being strong doesn't mean not crying. Being strong is picking myself up each time and knowing that I'm going to be okay; being strong is continuing to move forward even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. Strength doesn't mean that you handle things perfectly - strength means that even when you're hurting, you can always pick yourself up and face the world. Strength is learning that you can do things you never thought you could.

I may cry for a while, but that's okay. If I've learned anything this last week, it's that crying is okay. In fact, it's necessary in a way. Sometimes you need tears to clean your eyes so you can better see the world. And letting it all out, rather than bottling it up, feels so beyond good.

I'm going to cry. I'm going to stumble. There are going to be times (probably lots of them) when I'm going to feel like I can't do this. There will be days when May (and then July, and then possibly December) seems a world away. I'm going to feel like a basket case some days. But I'm going to get out of bed every day and not put my life on hold. And because of that, I am strong.

Love Dare

If any of you have read or kept up with my other/old blog, then maybe you've read about when I bought a few different devotionals. One of these devotionals was called The Love Dare. This devotional is a year long devotional for couples. Matthew & I had started it before all the craziness started, but obviously are not getting the opportunity to finish it together.

So today, as I was writing him a letter, I decided that I was going to do it from my end. I'm going to write in a journal every day (since the devotional is for every day) and when I see him, I will give the journal to him. I'm really excited for this because it not only helps me to channel my emotions for him, but it also sets aside a part of every day to just focus on what God is doing in our lives and sets aside time for me to pray for him every day.

My prayer life is something that has really always kind of struggled. I've never been comfortable praying out loud, and sometimes I even feel ridiculous praying silently. But it's something that I really want to work on, and I think that this will help me.

Today's devotional was called "Love is the business of men". I won't type out everything it says, and I won't put what I wrote to Matthew, since I consider that private, but there is something from it that I want to share with you. (Currently - Lily is trying to eat the pages of my book. It's actually kind of hilarious.) There's a line that says, "It [love] is at the core of manhood, transforming men to be strong and courageous."

This line really stuck out to me because I believe that this is true for me as well. Going into this adventure with Matthew is one of the hardest and scariest things I've ever done. As I've said in a previous post, saying goodbye and putting Matthew on the plane was the hardest thing ever. But my love for Matthew is making me strong and courageous. Love & God will be two of the biggest things that will get us through this (other than friends & family of course). I know that one of the reasons Matthew is doing this is because he loves me. And because I love him I will be strong and courageous for him.

I love my Airman First Class.

The Last Phone Call.

This morning I was woken up by my last phone call from Matthew. I've heard that the last phone call is short and stressful, and that is absolutely, completely true. The phone call lasted all of about a minute. He asked how I was, I asked how he was, he told me that he had texted me his address and then that was the end of the conversation. I never wanted it to end. But, I was really proud of myself - I didn't cry at all once it was over. I even mailed out Matthew's first letter today. I can't even explain the giddiness I had when I put the letter in the outgoing mailbox. I can't wait for him to get it! And I seriously cannot wait until I get my first letter from him, whenever that may be.

As hard as this is and is going to be, I've been absolutely amazed at the support that has been showered upon us. I've had so many friends and family members just check up on me. They've texted, they've called, they've shown up at my door, they've messaged me on Facebook - I mean, it's just been almost overwhelming. I've had friends set up lunch dates, offer to talk anytime night or day, and offer to hang out anytime. I've had family friends and aunts & uncles give encouraging advice. And I've even had a friend's sister have her husband send Matthew an encouraging note. He & Matthew have never even met. God has really shown me just how many amazing people I have in my life.

I've really struggled this school year when it comes to my personal relationships. I've lost a lot of friends, and it has really gotten to me. But now... it doesn't even phase me. I may not have quantity, but I definitely have quality. I can't even put into words how much it means to me to have so many people creating a foundation for me to stand on. I've been really nervous about living on my own after living with Matt for so long, but my friends and family have made it so much easier. It's only been a couple of days, but I know that I will always have only the best of people by my side. To those people - THANK YOU. It really does mean the world to me.

May will be here before I know it.

The first 24 hours.

I've always been told that the first day/night is always the hardest. I must say that so far, that is true. Driving back to Springfield was not all that hard. I didn't cry at all, and I listened to my Christian station the whole way. Praising and worshiping God always helps everything.

Once I got home, I felt fine. I missed Matt, but I wasn't about to cry or anything. And then I wanted to watch a movie. Well, Matt didn't hook up our Blueray player before he left, which is fine. But I couldn't find the dang HDMI cord to hook it to the TV. And that was when it hit me that I couldn't just call him up and ask him where he had packed it. So I went to Walmart. My first trip with him gone. I felt fine... until I pulled back into the parking lot.

AND THEN I LOST IT. I mean, ugliest of crying, horribly loud moaning, snot dripping everywhere crying. It was absolutely pathetic. But I just couldn't help it. My heart was literally aching because I already miss Matthew so much. Luckily, I have two amazing friends who responded to my freak out. One called and one ran to my door.

One thing that I've discovered with Matthew being gone is how many people truly care about me. I've had several friends text me, message me, etc. asking how I'm holding up and suggesting we get together as soon as possible. The support system that I have is so absolutely amazing.

There's been such an array of emotions, and it's really hard to keep up with them all. I miss him, I'm proud of him, I'm excited for him, I'm excited for me, I love him, I love everyone else, and so many more. Hard to keep up, right? My brain seems so fuddled right now. It makes me want to cuddle up in my bed with my cats.

I know that this was the best decision for me and Matthew (even if right now I may be questioning it only because I miss him terribly). And I know that this will make us stronger, both individually and as a couple. It's just getting to that point that is going to be interesting.

Is it May yet?

Putting Matthew on the Airplane

I cannot believe the day is already here. March 4. Today's date seemed so far away back in October. I remember being so frustrated that he was leaving in March rather than in January, as we had originally been told. And yet, here we are. Seven months and one day after being married, and we are now separated.

Last night after dinner Matthew went to the hotel and this morning got up bright and early to do testing and such. By 11 he was swearing in - officially active duty. From here on (for a while anyway) he will be known as Airman First Class Gleaton. At 1:15 this afternoon we (my mom, his mom, and our niece) met Matthew at the Kansas City Airport. By 2:00 he had to walk through the gate. It would never be enough time, but it was time to say goodbye.

A few (okay a lot) hugs and kisses later, Matthew walked away from us and toward the gate. We stayed just long enough for him make it through the gate. Yes, I cried. I also cried in the van as we left. I hate crying, even though everyone says this is an okay reason for me to cry. I still don't like it. Then, he texted me "I love you" one more time and flew off. He called me during dinner when he landed in Dallas. Right about now (5:45) he will leave for San Antonio, where he will call me when he lands. After that he will call me within the next 72 hours and then I won't hear from him except through letters. I hope we are ready for this.

Watching Matthew walk through that gate was the hardest thing I've had to so far in my life. I never thought that I could love someone so much and be so attached to them. Matthew has become such a huge part of my world, and it is going to be so hard living without him. I'm almost dreading going back to Springfield tomorrow because I'll have to sleep alone in our bed. (Thankfully I have my kitties.) Matthew & I will not share a bed for at least six months. And we will be apart (minus twice) for ten months.

I really can't believe that we are officially a military family. He's active duty military. I'm a military spouse. Holy cow. How is this even possible? I'm glad we are finally moving forward, but I already miss my husband. There are only three things that will get me through this: GOD, family/friends, and my cats.

I can't even express how incredibly proud of Matthew I am for serving our country. He's going into a very difficult job (Airborne Crypto-Linguist), and I admire him for committing the next six years of his life to that and to the United States. It's not something I could do, and I think he is amazing for it. I never thought I could love him this much, and it grows just about every day. He blows me away every single day.

The next six years (maybe 20, who knows) are going to be quite the adventure, and I'm SO looking forward to documenting each and every fun/sad/exciting/stressful/crazy moment here.