What is strength, really?

Until recently, I have thought of strength (emotionally, rather than physically) as meaning that someone can handle anything, and they can handle it well, perfectly even. A "strong" person is someone who doesn't cry when sad; is someone who can weather any situation; is someone who can still be happy and themselves even in the toughest of times. And every time I started crying because I miss Matthew so much it literally hurts, I felt weak. With every tear that has fallen, I've felt like I've let myself and I've let Matthew down. I've felt like I haven't been the strong wife and person that I need to be.

Tonight, I had the biggest breakdown I've had so far. It came out of no where, and as soon as those tears started falling, I started hating myself for it, which only made me crying harder (and louder). I texted my two best friends, who, I'm sure, are getting tired of this broken record already. I'm pretty sure that I've told them just about every day that I miss Matt - even though they already know this. I'm not telling you this for sympathy - I'm telling you this because it led to an epiphany.

I realized tonight that being strong doesn't mean not crying. Being strong is picking myself up each time and knowing that I'm going to be okay; being strong is continuing to move forward even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. Strength doesn't mean that you handle things perfectly - strength means that even when you're hurting, you can always pick yourself up and face the world. Strength is learning that you can do things you never thought you could.

I may cry for a while, but that's okay. If I've learned anything this last week, it's that crying is okay. In fact, it's necessary in a way. Sometimes you need tears to clean your eyes so you can better see the world. And letting it all out, rather than bottling it up, feels so beyond good.

I'm going to cry. I'm going to stumble. There are going to be times (probably lots of them) when I'm going to feel like I can't do this. There will be days when May (and then July, and then possibly December) seems a world away. I'm going to feel like a basket case some days. But I'm going to get out of bed every day and not put my life on hold. And because of that, I am strong.