It's only Tuesday, and this week has already been hard. Yesterday, all of the plans Matthew and I had made not only came to a crashing halt, but completely crumbled. For those who don't know, Matthew dislocated his shoulder a couple of weeks ago. He was originally told that even though 4 weeks of physical therapy was suggested, he wouldn't have to complete the full four weeks (because then he would miss his ship off date for California). Since we had been told this, we made plans as if he were shipping off on the 3rd of July (because we were told he would).
But yesterday, all of that changed.
He was told that the information he was given was wrong. He does, in fact, have to complete all four weeks of physical therapy. Matthew will not be medically cleared until July 14, four days after his class start date. This could, and more than likely will, change absolutely everything. We are losing the housing we were supposed to get; Matthew will remain in Texas until probably September (or maybe longer); Matthew will probably lose his language of Korean and will be given something different; and we have absolute no clue when we will see each other again. We went from seeing each other in less than two weeks to not knowing the next time we will see each other again.
Yes, I understand it could be worse. I get that. I know that everyone has their own problems. But telling me that isn't going to make things better for me. Because in my own little world, everything seems to be crumbling. I don't care how self-centered that sounds - it sucks. Yes, I understand that this is the military, and these things happen. That doesn't make it suck less. (And may I add that Matthew's instructor has never seen this before - obviously not very common.)
There is a chance that Matthew could be stuck at Lackland anywhere from a month to six months or longer. We just have no idea. I am petrified that it will be too long of a time. If it isn't soon enough, I will not be able to travel to California until after our baby is born - which means that Matthew would miss the birth of our first child and may not even see me while I'm pregnant. I know that this sometimes happens when you're a military spouse, but personally, I'm not mentally prepared for that.
Being pregnant and alone is one of the scariest things I've ever done. Yes, I have an amazing support system - my family and friends are being so helpful. But when it comes to day to day, I'm pretty much alone in Springfield. Pregnancy is scary as it is, and not having Matthew here to help me through it is hard. My body is doing things I didn't know were possible. I am so hyper-aware of my body that it sometimes makes me paranoid. I'm so afraid that something will go wrong, and he won't be here to help me through it. I seriously admire all the single moms and military wives who do everything on their own. It's scary, and it's hard, and it takes a lot of strength.
I'm not writing this blog to complain, or throw a pity party. Believe me, I am still so thankful for everything that I do have. Sometimes it's just hard to keep your head above the water, when everything seems to be going wrong. For me, the best thing to do is write it out. If you don't agree, then you don't have to read it. I know that I am so lucky to even be pregnant, and to be married to the most amazing man. But I also know that being a military spouse is different than I ever expected. No amount of advice or anything beforehand can prepare you for what's to come. Again, I'm not complaining - I'm just learning that things are not always what they seem.
