Well, things have finally calmed down for me. On the health front anyway. I had my follow up on Friday, and everything looked great, according to my doctor. He said everything looked back to almost normal and that I should be good to go as long as I finish all of my antibiotics. It's been really nice to wear underwear again and to be able to actually close my legs. I was really tired of having to sit with my legs splayed open - not very ladylike at all.
But now is when I start catching up on all my school work. I'm about a week and a half behind and trying to catch that up will make me fall behind this week. So I have another super busy week on my hands. But that's okay because it makes the time go by a lot quicker! [There's only 30 days until I see Matthew again!!]
There's been a lot of other problems other than my health issues, but I won't bore them with you here. I will say that this has been one of the most stressful months I've had in a REALLY long time. Actually, 2014 is just shaping up to be super stressful - I mean, I've already been in the ER twice this year! But I know that it will all be worth it.
We booked our trip to San Antonio yesterday for Matthew's graduation! I'm seriously beyond excited. I can't believe he's already been gone for 27 days! We're almost half way done! April 30 needs to just get here already. I know the time will fly by though - there's so much going on this month. All of my classes are starting to wrap up this month since it's the last full month of school! I can't believe that I'm already almost done with college. It's so crazy. It still hasn't sunken in that I will be a college graduate this May. Where has the time gone?
I've learned a LOT this last week about myself and about those around me. It's been a very interesting experience, and I'm just so thankful that I really do have so many amazing people in my life. Matthew may be gone, but I am certainly not alone.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Medical Emergencies: Part One.
I'm honestly not even sure where to begin with this one. So much has happened within the last week and a few days, and I'm still trying to process it all. But I know it's something that I need to get out - it may help me feel like some of this stress is being lifted off my chest. I suppose I will start with what's going on. This next part will be personal and may make some of you (especially the guys) a little uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, skip to the bold writing below. Otherwise... here's what has been happening in my life since last Monday.
Last Monday started pretty much like any other. I woke up, showered, etc. Except I had a little bit of pain down by my pelvic bone. I thought maybe I had bruised it in some way, but I knew that wasn't really all that possible. So I started investigating, and I found a small lump in a place it shouldn't be. I asked my mom about it and she said it probably wasn't anything. So I put it to the back of my mind and didn't really think about it. Well, by Wednesday it was bigger, more painful, and just all around worse. So I called Taylor Health & Wellness. I made an appointment for Thursday afternoon. I went in and the nurse practitioner (that may be spelled wrong? I'm not sure - but whatever) said that I should take hot baths and that it may get better, but that if it didn't to call her Friday morning. So Friday morning I called back because it was worse and I went in to see another doctor. This doctor tried to drain it by sticking a needle in me. I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say this was the worst pain I've EVER experienced in my life. I silently screamed and I cried and the nurse had to hold me down. The doctor took a culture and the lump, now about the size of a nickel, was not drained. She put me on two antibiotics and told me to continue the baths.
Fast forward to Saturday night. I had a complete breakdown in my tub during one of those awful baths. I mean, screaming at God, bawling my eyes out breakdown. So I texted my mom and said I was coming to Kansas City. I couldn't stay down in Springfield anymore. I packed a small bag, grabbed my laptop and left. By this time the lump was about the size of a quarter. I knew the antibiotics should have at least kept it from getting worse. Now jump to Sunday evening. I decide to go to the ER. I can't take the pain anymore. This was now my second trip to the ER in 2014.
We get into the room and wait for the nurse. She comes and takes a look at my problem. She states that she has never seen this before and that this will be interesting. A bit later the ER doctor comes in, takes a look, and also states he's never seen anything like this. He left to call the OB that was on call for the night. I was freaking out. I mean, seriously? It can't be good when an ER doctor tells you that he doesn't know what something is. They're supposed to know just about everything, right? Well, when comes back he tells me that the OB told me that I need to go see a gynecologist on Monday. I left the ER with two more prescriptions - pain medicine and nausea medicine (one of the antibiotics had me throwing up all Sunday morning).
So yesterday I go into the gynecologist office, and see this doctor. He takes a super long look, and says the same thing as the ER doctor - he's never seen this before. He leaves and gets another gynecologist. She comes in, looks, and says the same thing. Btw - it's now the size of a good sized grape. They decided they wanted to try to drain it again. This would require them numbing me and then sticking a rather large needle in it. I freaked out. I didn't want another needle down there. Friday was painful enough. But I felt I had no other option. But once he started to get ready to do it, I had a panic attack. So we decided to do the surgery route. I left the gynecologist office with my fifth prescription - a new antibiotic. They titled the surgery "Incision and Drainage of Periclitoral Abscess". If you're brave, feel free to google it. A periclitoral abscess is super rare - so rare this is no research on it and it goes case by case - so rare that they know no cause.
Okay, for those who skipped all that - you can start reading here again.
So my surgery is at 2 pm tomorrow. Aside from all of this, we've ran into several other problems. One of them being my health insurance. Now that Matthew is active, I should be covered under Tricare. However, in their system he is listed as single, not married. And of course, the only one who can fix it is Matthew. So we've been paying up front and out of our own pockets. Then, after taking the third antibiotic, I found I'm allergic to it - which means that I'm more than likely allergic to penicillin. So that was fun. My doctor wants me to take a skin allergy test, but it's hard to get those done. For example, KU Med's first available appointment was in June.
I also had to call the Red Cross so that I could get an emergency message to Matthew, who had absolutely no idea this was even going on. What I didn't know is how complicated that would be. They needed a ton of info and they even had to call my doctor to verify that I was actually having surgery tomorrow. Finally, about 5:30 I got a call from a Texas number. It was Matthew. He was so shocked. The first words out of his mouth were "I just.... I just heard that you're....having...surgery tomorrow...?" So I gave him a very short version of what was going on and told him not to worry that I had a ton of people here to help me and be with me. He asked me if he needed to come home. I told him no, and that was the hardest thing. But I'll get to that in a minute. I then told him I needed him to fix the insurance thing for me. [Side note: It's now after midnight and I can no longer drink or eat anything. Just thinking about it makes me thirsty.] The phone call only lasted about five minutes. If that. By the time we got off, I could tell he was crying. I kept my composure until after I hung up, and then I lost it.
Okay, so there are the facts. Now here's how I've been feeling: overwhelmed, pained, sad, helpless, uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, despaired, lonely, miserable, and any other emotion you can think of.
Telling Matthew to not come home was seriously the hardest thing - harder than putting him on the plane exactly three weeks ago. I so badly wanted to just beg him to get on the next flight he could so that he could be by my side through this. But I know that isn't the best thing for him right now. He's already on Week 4, and he has an amazing flight. If he came home, he'd have to start all over. And I just couldn't do that to him. But that doesn't make it any easier. I must say that this week has really taught me what being a military spouse means. It means making some pretty big sacrifices. It means being very selfless. It means putting others, the military, and the country before yourself. When Matthew swore into the Air Force on March 4, I said I admired him for making this commitment. His mom pointed out that I had too, but I sort of dismissed it. I mean, I'm not the one who's doing the training and who's actually in the AF. But she's right. I made this commitment too, and I'm going to have to make sacrifices just as he is.
This week has been extremely trying - mentally, emotionally, physically. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh I don't know how you're doing it, you're so strong. If it were me, I'd never be able to go through this." To this I say, I'm not strong. In fact, I feel like I'm at my weakest right now. I think that we are all able to more than we ever thought possible when there are no other options. I'm trying to be strong and brave, but the key word is 'trying'. I've cried sooo much over the last few days. I can't remember the last time I've cried so much. It's exhausting, honestly. But the last thing I feel is strong.
I've really struggled as a Christian as well. As I mentioned before, I was screaming at God on Saturday. And I mean, I literally was screaming. I feel like He's turned his back on me. I know that isn't true. But I can't deny that I'm incredibly mad at God. It sounds childish, but I mean, come on, my husband just left, do I really need this too? It's not fair! I'm sure there's some lesson to be learned, but right now, I'm not too interested in it. If I were to see God, I'd probably punch Him in the face, not gonna lie. I still love God, don't get me wrong. I've spent so many hours over the last few days praying to Him. But I'm still angry. And I'm sure I will be for a little while. But I know that He has his own plan, and I know that this is just a part of it. So I will continue moving forward, as He wants me too. But I'm definitely dragging my feet right now.
Now that this is by far the longest blog I've ever written, I suppose I'll wrap this up. I have a million more things that I could type, but I guess I should really get some sleep before tomorrow. Tomorrow may be the hardest day of all. Or maybe the easiest since I'll be knocked out for part of it. Who knows. Either way, I know it will work out exactly as it should.
Last Monday started pretty much like any other. I woke up, showered, etc. Except I had a little bit of pain down by my pelvic bone. I thought maybe I had bruised it in some way, but I knew that wasn't really all that possible. So I started investigating, and I found a small lump in a place it shouldn't be. I asked my mom about it and she said it probably wasn't anything. So I put it to the back of my mind and didn't really think about it. Well, by Wednesday it was bigger, more painful, and just all around worse. So I called Taylor Health & Wellness. I made an appointment for Thursday afternoon. I went in and the nurse practitioner (that may be spelled wrong? I'm not sure - but whatever) said that I should take hot baths and that it may get better, but that if it didn't to call her Friday morning. So Friday morning I called back because it was worse and I went in to see another doctor. This doctor tried to drain it by sticking a needle in me. I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say this was the worst pain I've EVER experienced in my life. I silently screamed and I cried and the nurse had to hold me down. The doctor took a culture and the lump, now about the size of a nickel, was not drained. She put me on two antibiotics and told me to continue the baths.
Fast forward to Saturday night. I had a complete breakdown in my tub during one of those awful baths. I mean, screaming at God, bawling my eyes out breakdown. So I texted my mom and said I was coming to Kansas City. I couldn't stay down in Springfield anymore. I packed a small bag, grabbed my laptop and left. By this time the lump was about the size of a quarter. I knew the antibiotics should have at least kept it from getting worse. Now jump to Sunday evening. I decide to go to the ER. I can't take the pain anymore. This was now my second trip to the ER in 2014.
We get into the room and wait for the nurse. She comes and takes a look at my problem. She states that she has never seen this before and that this will be interesting. A bit later the ER doctor comes in, takes a look, and also states he's never seen anything like this. He left to call the OB that was on call for the night. I was freaking out. I mean, seriously? It can't be good when an ER doctor tells you that he doesn't know what something is. They're supposed to know just about everything, right? Well, when comes back he tells me that the OB told me that I need to go see a gynecologist on Monday. I left the ER with two more prescriptions - pain medicine and nausea medicine (one of the antibiotics had me throwing up all Sunday morning).
So yesterday I go into the gynecologist office, and see this doctor. He takes a super long look, and says the same thing as the ER doctor - he's never seen this before. He leaves and gets another gynecologist. She comes in, looks, and says the same thing. Btw - it's now the size of a good sized grape. They decided they wanted to try to drain it again. This would require them numbing me and then sticking a rather large needle in it. I freaked out. I didn't want another needle down there. Friday was painful enough. But I felt I had no other option. But once he started to get ready to do it, I had a panic attack. So we decided to do the surgery route. I left the gynecologist office with my fifth prescription - a new antibiotic. They titled the surgery "Incision and Drainage of Periclitoral Abscess". If you're brave, feel free to google it. A periclitoral abscess is super rare - so rare this is no research on it and it goes case by case - so rare that they know no cause.
Okay, for those who skipped all that - you can start reading here again.
So my surgery is at 2 pm tomorrow. Aside from all of this, we've ran into several other problems. One of them being my health insurance. Now that Matthew is active, I should be covered under Tricare. However, in their system he is listed as single, not married. And of course, the only one who can fix it is Matthew. So we've been paying up front and out of our own pockets. Then, after taking the third antibiotic, I found I'm allergic to it - which means that I'm more than likely allergic to penicillin. So that was fun. My doctor wants me to take a skin allergy test, but it's hard to get those done. For example, KU Med's first available appointment was in June.
I also had to call the Red Cross so that I could get an emergency message to Matthew, who had absolutely no idea this was even going on. What I didn't know is how complicated that would be. They needed a ton of info and they even had to call my doctor to verify that I was actually having surgery tomorrow. Finally, about 5:30 I got a call from a Texas number. It was Matthew. He was so shocked. The first words out of his mouth were "I just.... I just heard that you're....having...surgery tomorrow...?" So I gave him a very short version of what was going on and told him not to worry that I had a ton of people here to help me and be with me. He asked me if he needed to come home. I told him no, and that was the hardest thing. But I'll get to that in a minute. I then told him I needed him to fix the insurance thing for me. [Side note: It's now after midnight and I can no longer drink or eat anything. Just thinking about it makes me thirsty.] The phone call only lasted about five minutes. If that. By the time we got off, I could tell he was crying. I kept my composure until after I hung up, and then I lost it.
Okay, so there are the facts. Now here's how I've been feeling: overwhelmed, pained, sad, helpless, uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, despaired, lonely, miserable, and any other emotion you can think of.
Telling Matthew to not come home was seriously the hardest thing - harder than putting him on the plane exactly three weeks ago. I so badly wanted to just beg him to get on the next flight he could so that he could be by my side through this. But I know that isn't the best thing for him right now. He's already on Week 4, and he has an amazing flight. If he came home, he'd have to start all over. And I just couldn't do that to him. But that doesn't make it any easier. I must say that this week has really taught me what being a military spouse means. It means making some pretty big sacrifices. It means being very selfless. It means putting others, the military, and the country before yourself. When Matthew swore into the Air Force on March 4, I said I admired him for making this commitment. His mom pointed out that I had too, but I sort of dismissed it. I mean, I'm not the one who's doing the training and who's actually in the AF. But she's right. I made this commitment too, and I'm going to have to make sacrifices just as he is.
This week has been extremely trying - mentally, emotionally, physically. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh I don't know how you're doing it, you're so strong. If it were me, I'd never be able to go through this." To this I say, I'm not strong. In fact, I feel like I'm at my weakest right now. I think that we are all able to more than we ever thought possible when there are no other options. I'm trying to be strong and brave, but the key word is 'trying'. I've cried sooo much over the last few days. I can't remember the last time I've cried so much. It's exhausting, honestly. But the last thing I feel is strong.
I've really struggled as a Christian as well. As I mentioned before, I was screaming at God on Saturday. And I mean, I literally was screaming. I feel like He's turned his back on me. I know that isn't true. But I can't deny that I'm incredibly mad at God. It sounds childish, but I mean, come on, my husband just left, do I really need this too? It's not fair! I'm sure there's some lesson to be learned, but right now, I'm not too interested in it. If I were to see God, I'd probably punch Him in the face, not gonna lie. I still love God, don't get me wrong. I've spent so many hours over the last few days praying to Him. But I'm still angry. And I'm sure I will be for a little while. But I know that He has his own plan, and I know that this is just a part of it. So I will continue moving forward, as He wants me too. But I'm definitely dragging my feet right now.
Now that this is by far the longest blog I've ever written, I suppose I'll wrap this up. I have a million more things that I could type, but I guess I should really get some sleep before tomorrow. Tomorrow may be the hardest day of all. Or maybe the easiest since I'll be knocked out for part of it. Who knows. Either way, I know it will work out exactly as it should.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
What is strength, really?
Until recently, I have thought of strength (emotionally, rather than physically) as meaning that someone can handle anything, and they can handle it well, perfectly even. A "strong" person is someone who doesn't cry when sad; is someone who can weather any situation; is someone who can still be happy and themselves even in the toughest of times. And every time I started crying because I miss Matthew so much it literally hurts, I felt weak. With every tear that has fallen, I've felt like I've let myself and I've let Matthew down. I've felt like I haven't been the strong wife and person that I need to be.
Tonight, I had the biggest breakdown I've had so far. It came out of no where, and as soon as those tears started falling, I started hating myself for it, which only made me crying harder (and louder). I texted my two best friends, who, I'm sure, are getting tired of this broken record already. I'm pretty sure that I've told them just about every day that I miss Matt - even though they already know this. I'm not telling you this for sympathy - I'm telling you this because it led to an epiphany.
I realized tonight that being strong doesn't mean not crying. Being strong is picking myself up each time and knowing that I'm going to be okay; being strong is continuing to move forward even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. Strength doesn't mean that you handle things perfectly - strength means that even when you're hurting, you can always pick yourself up and face the world. Strength is learning that you can do things you never thought you could.
I may cry for a while, but that's okay. If I've learned anything this last week, it's that crying is okay. In fact, it's necessary in a way. Sometimes you need tears to clean your eyes so you can better see the world. And letting it all out, rather than bottling it up, feels so beyond good.
I'm going to cry. I'm going to stumble. There are going to be times (probably lots of them) when I'm going to feel like I can't do this. There will be days when May (and then July, and then possibly December) seems a world away. I'm going to feel like a basket case some days. But I'm going to get out of bed every day and not put my life on hold. And because of that, I am strong.
Tonight, I had the biggest breakdown I've had so far. It came out of no where, and as soon as those tears started falling, I started hating myself for it, which only made me crying harder (and louder). I texted my two best friends, who, I'm sure, are getting tired of this broken record already. I'm pretty sure that I've told them just about every day that I miss Matt - even though they already know this. I'm not telling you this for sympathy - I'm telling you this because it led to an epiphany.
I realized tonight that being strong doesn't mean not crying. Being strong is picking myself up each time and knowing that I'm going to be okay; being strong is continuing to move forward even when it seems like the hardest thing to do. Strength doesn't mean that you handle things perfectly - strength means that even when you're hurting, you can always pick yourself up and face the world. Strength is learning that you can do things you never thought you could.
I may cry for a while, but that's okay. If I've learned anything this last week, it's that crying is okay. In fact, it's necessary in a way. Sometimes you need tears to clean your eyes so you can better see the world. And letting it all out, rather than bottling it up, feels so beyond good.
I'm going to cry. I'm going to stumble. There are going to be times (probably lots of them) when I'm going to feel like I can't do this. There will be days when May (and then July, and then possibly December) seems a world away. I'm going to feel like a basket case some days. But I'm going to get out of bed every day and not put my life on hold. And because of that, I am strong.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Love Dare
If any of you have read or kept up with my other/old blog, then maybe you've read about when I bought a few different devotionals. One of these devotionals was called The Love Dare. This devotional is a year long devotional for couples. Matthew & I had started it before all the craziness started, but obviously are not getting the opportunity to finish it together.
So today, as I was writing him a letter, I decided that I was going to do it from my end. I'm going to write in a journal every day (since the devotional is for every day) and when I see him, I will give the journal to him. I'm really excited for this because it not only helps me to channel my emotions for him, but it also sets aside a part of every day to just focus on what God is doing in our lives and sets aside time for me to pray for him every day.
My prayer life is something that has really always kind of struggled. I've never been comfortable praying out loud, and sometimes I even feel ridiculous praying silently. But it's something that I really want to work on, and I think that this will help me.
Today's devotional was called "Love is the business of men". I won't type out everything it says, and I won't put what I wrote to Matthew, since I consider that private, but there is something from it that I want to share with you. (Currently - Lily is trying to eat the pages of my book. It's actually kind of hilarious.) There's a line that says, "It [love] is at the core of manhood, transforming men to be strong and courageous."
This line really stuck out to me because I believe that this is true for me as well. Going into this adventure with Matthew is one of the hardest and scariest things I've ever done. As I've said in a previous post, saying goodbye and putting Matthew on the plane was the hardest thing ever. But my love for Matthew is making me strong and courageous. Love & God will be two of the biggest things that will get us through this (other than friends & family of course). I know that one of the reasons Matthew is doing this is because he loves me. And because I love him I will be strong and courageous for him.
I love my Airman First Class.
So today, as I was writing him a letter, I decided that I was going to do it from my end. I'm going to write in a journal every day (since the devotional is for every day) and when I see him, I will give the journal to him. I'm really excited for this because it not only helps me to channel my emotions for him, but it also sets aside a part of every day to just focus on what God is doing in our lives and sets aside time for me to pray for him every day.
My prayer life is something that has really always kind of struggled. I've never been comfortable praying out loud, and sometimes I even feel ridiculous praying silently. But it's something that I really want to work on, and I think that this will help me.
Today's devotional was called "Love is the business of men". I won't type out everything it says, and I won't put what I wrote to Matthew, since I consider that private, but there is something from it that I want to share with you. (Currently - Lily is trying to eat the pages of my book. It's actually kind of hilarious.) There's a line that says, "It [love] is at the core of manhood, transforming men to be strong and courageous."
This line really stuck out to me because I believe that this is true for me as well. Going into this adventure with Matthew is one of the hardest and scariest things I've ever done. As I've said in a previous post, saying goodbye and putting Matthew on the plane was the hardest thing ever. But my love for Matthew is making me strong and courageous. Love & God will be two of the biggest things that will get us through this (other than friends & family of course). I know that one of the reasons Matthew is doing this is because he loves me. And because I love him I will be strong and courageous for him.
I love my Airman First Class.
Friday, March 7, 2014
The Last Phone Call.
This morning I was woken up by my last phone call from Matthew. I've heard that the last phone call is short and stressful, and that is absolutely, completely true. The phone call lasted all of about a minute. He asked how I was, I asked how he was, he told me that he had texted me his address and then that was the end of the conversation. I never wanted it to end. But, I was really proud of myself - I didn't cry at all once it was over. I even mailed out Matthew's first letter today. I can't even explain the giddiness I had when I put the letter in the outgoing mailbox. I can't wait for him to get it! And I seriously cannot wait until I get my first letter from him, whenever that may be.
As hard as this is and is going to be, I've been absolutely amazed at the support that has been showered upon us. I've had so many friends and family members just check up on me. They've texted, they've called, they've shown up at my door, they've messaged me on Facebook - I mean, it's just been almost overwhelming. I've had friends set up lunch dates, offer to talk anytime night or day, and offer to hang out anytime. I've had family friends and aunts & uncles give encouraging advice. And I've even had a friend's sister have her husband send Matthew an encouraging note. He & Matthew have never even met. God has really shown me just how many amazing people I have in my life.
I've really struggled this school year when it comes to my personal relationships. I've lost a lot of friends, and it has really gotten to me. But now... it doesn't even phase me. I may not have quantity, but I definitely have quality. I can't even put into words how much it means to me to have so many people creating a foundation for me to stand on. I've been really nervous about living on my own after living with Matt for so long, but my friends and family have made it so much easier. It's only been a couple of days, but I know that I will always have only the best of people by my side. To those people - THANK YOU. It really does mean the world to me.
May will be here before I know it.
As hard as this is and is going to be, I've been absolutely amazed at the support that has been showered upon us. I've had so many friends and family members just check up on me. They've texted, they've called, they've shown up at my door, they've messaged me on Facebook - I mean, it's just been almost overwhelming. I've had friends set up lunch dates, offer to talk anytime night or day, and offer to hang out anytime. I've had family friends and aunts & uncles give encouraging advice. And I've even had a friend's sister have her husband send Matthew an encouraging note. He & Matthew have never even met. God has really shown me just how many amazing people I have in my life.
I've really struggled this school year when it comes to my personal relationships. I've lost a lot of friends, and it has really gotten to me. But now... it doesn't even phase me. I may not have quantity, but I definitely have quality. I can't even put into words how much it means to me to have so many people creating a foundation for me to stand on. I've been really nervous about living on my own after living with Matt for so long, but my friends and family have made it so much easier. It's only been a couple of days, but I know that I will always have only the best of people by my side. To those people - THANK YOU. It really does mean the world to me.
May will be here before I know it.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The first 24 hours.
I've always been told that the first day/night is always the hardest. I must say that so far, that is true. Driving back to Springfield was not all that hard. I didn't cry at all, and I listened to my Christian station the whole way. Praising and worshiping God always helps everything.
Once I got home, I felt fine. I missed Matt, but I wasn't about to cry or anything. And then I wanted to watch a movie. Well, Matt didn't hook up our Blueray player before he left, which is fine. But I couldn't find the dang HDMI cord to hook it to the TV. And that was when it hit me that I couldn't just call him up and ask him where he had packed it. So I went to Walmart. My first trip with him gone. I felt fine... until I pulled back into the parking lot.
AND THEN I LOST IT. I mean, ugliest of crying, horribly loud moaning, snot dripping everywhere crying. It was absolutely pathetic. But I just couldn't help it. My heart was literally aching because I already miss Matthew so much. Luckily, I have two amazing friends who responded to my freak out. One called and one ran to my door.
One thing that I've discovered with Matthew being gone is how many people truly care about me. I've had several friends text me, message me, etc. asking how I'm holding up and suggesting we get together as soon as possible. The support system that I have is so absolutely amazing.
There's been such an array of emotions, and it's really hard to keep up with them all. I miss him, I'm proud of him, I'm excited for him, I'm excited for me, I love him, I love everyone else, and so many more. Hard to keep up, right? My brain seems so fuddled right now. It makes me want to cuddle up in my bed with my cats.
I know that this was the best decision for me and Matthew (even if right now I may be questioning it only because I miss him terribly). And I know that this will make us stronger, both individually and as a couple. It's just getting to that point that is going to be interesting.
Is it May yet?
Once I got home, I felt fine. I missed Matt, but I wasn't about to cry or anything. And then I wanted to watch a movie. Well, Matt didn't hook up our Blueray player before he left, which is fine. But I couldn't find the dang HDMI cord to hook it to the TV. And that was when it hit me that I couldn't just call him up and ask him where he had packed it. So I went to Walmart. My first trip with him gone. I felt fine... until I pulled back into the parking lot.
AND THEN I LOST IT. I mean, ugliest of crying, horribly loud moaning, snot dripping everywhere crying. It was absolutely pathetic. But I just couldn't help it. My heart was literally aching because I already miss Matthew so much. Luckily, I have two amazing friends who responded to my freak out. One called and one ran to my door.
One thing that I've discovered with Matthew being gone is how many people truly care about me. I've had several friends text me, message me, etc. asking how I'm holding up and suggesting we get together as soon as possible. The support system that I have is so absolutely amazing.
There's been such an array of emotions, and it's really hard to keep up with them all. I miss him, I'm proud of him, I'm excited for him, I'm excited for me, I love him, I love everyone else, and so many more. Hard to keep up, right? My brain seems so fuddled right now. It makes me want to cuddle up in my bed with my cats.
I know that this was the best decision for me and Matthew (even if right now I may be questioning it only because I miss him terribly). And I know that this will make us stronger, both individually and as a couple. It's just getting to that point that is going to be interesting.
Is it May yet?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Putting Matthew on the Airplane
I cannot believe the day is already here. March 4. Today's date seemed so far away back in October. I remember being so frustrated that he was leaving in March rather than in January, as we had originally been told. And yet, here we are. Seven months and one day after being married, and we are now separated.
Last night after dinner Matthew went to the hotel and this morning got up bright and early to do testing and such. By 11 he was swearing in - officially active duty. From here on (for a while anyway) he will be known as Airman First Class Gleaton. At 1:15 this afternoon we (my mom, his mom, and our niece) met Matthew at the Kansas City Airport. By 2:00 he had to walk through the gate. It would never be enough time, but it was time to say goodbye.
A few (okay a lot) hugs and kisses later, Matthew walked away from us and toward the gate. We stayed just long enough for him make it through the gate. Yes, I cried. I also cried in the van as we left. I hate crying, even though everyone says this is an okay reason for me to cry. I still don't like it. Then, he texted me "I love you" one more time and flew off. He called me during dinner when he landed in Dallas. Right about now (5:45) he will leave for San Antonio, where he will call me when he lands. After that he will call me within the next 72 hours and then I won't hear from him except through letters. I hope we are ready for this.
Watching Matthew walk through that gate was the hardest thing I've had to so far in my life. I never thought that I could love someone so much and be so attached to them. Matthew has become such a huge part of my world, and it is going to be so hard living without him. I'm almost dreading going back to Springfield tomorrow because I'll have to sleep alone in our bed. (Thankfully I have my kitties.) Matthew & I will not share a bed for at least six months. And we will be apart (minus twice) for ten months.
I really can't believe that we are officially a military family. He's active duty military. I'm a military spouse. Holy cow. How is this even possible? I'm glad we are finally moving forward, but I already miss my husband. There are only three things that will get me through this: GOD, family/friends, and my cats.
I can't even express how incredibly proud of Matthew I am for serving our country. He's going into a very difficult job (Airborne Crypto-Linguist), and I admire him for committing the next six years of his life to that and to the United States. It's not something I could do, and I think he is amazing for it. I never thought I could love him this much, and it grows just about every day. He blows me away every single day.
The next six years (maybe 20, who knows) are going to be quite the adventure, and I'm SO looking forward to documenting each and every fun/sad/exciting/stressful/crazy moment here.
Last night after dinner Matthew went to the hotel and this morning got up bright and early to do testing and such. By 11 he was swearing in - officially active duty. From here on (for a while anyway) he will be known as Airman First Class Gleaton. At 1:15 this afternoon we (my mom, his mom, and our niece) met Matthew at the Kansas City Airport. By 2:00 he had to walk through the gate. It would never be enough time, but it was time to say goodbye.
A few (okay a lot) hugs and kisses later, Matthew walked away from us and toward the gate. We stayed just long enough for him make it through the gate. Yes, I cried. I also cried in the van as we left. I hate crying, even though everyone says this is an okay reason for me to cry. I still don't like it. Then, he texted me "I love you" one more time and flew off. He called me during dinner when he landed in Dallas. Right about now (5:45) he will leave for San Antonio, where he will call me when he lands. After that he will call me within the next 72 hours and then I won't hear from him except through letters. I hope we are ready for this.
Watching Matthew walk through that gate was the hardest thing I've had to so far in my life. I never thought that I could love someone so much and be so attached to them. Matthew has become such a huge part of my world, and it is going to be so hard living without him. I'm almost dreading going back to Springfield tomorrow because I'll have to sleep alone in our bed. (Thankfully I have my kitties.) Matthew & I will not share a bed for at least six months. And we will be apart (minus twice) for ten months.
I really can't believe that we are officially a military family. He's active duty military. I'm a military spouse. Holy cow. How is this even possible? I'm glad we are finally moving forward, but I already miss my husband. There are only three things that will get me through this: GOD, family/friends, and my cats.
I can't even express how incredibly proud of Matthew I am for serving our country. He's going into a very difficult job (Airborne Crypto-Linguist), and I admire him for committing the next six years of his life to that and to the United States. It's not something I could do, and I think he is amazing for it. I never thought I could love him this much, and it grows just about every day. He blows me away every single day.
The next six years (maybe 20, who knows) are going to be quite the adventure, and I'm SO looking forward to documenting each and every fun/sad/exciting/stressful/crazy moment here.
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