I'm honestly not even sure where to begin with this one. So much has happened within the last week and a few days, and I'm still trying to process it all. But I know it's something that I need to get out - it may help me feel like some of this stress is being lifted off my chest. I suppose I will start with what's going on. This next part will be personal and may make some of you (especially the guys) a little uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, skip to the bold writing below. Otherwise... here's what has been happening in my life since last Monday.
Last Monday started pretty much like any other. I woke up, showered, etc. Except I had a little bit of pain down by my pelvic bone. I thought maybe I had bruised it in some way, but I knew that wasn't really all that possible. So I started investigating, and I found a small lump in a place it shouldn't be. I asked my mom about it and she said it probably wasn't anything. So I put it to the back of my mind and didn't really think about it. Well, by Wednesday it was bigger, more painful, and just all around worse. So I called Taylor Health & Wellness. I made an appointment for Thursday afternoon. I went in and the nurse practitioner (that may be spelled wrong? I'm not sure - but whatever) said that I should take hot baths and that it may get better, but that if it didn't to call her Friday morning. So Friday morning I called back because it was worse and I went in to see another doctor. This doctor tried to drain it by sticking a needle in me. I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say this was the worst pain I've EVER experienced in my life. I silently screamed and I cried and the nurse had to hold me down. The doctor took a culture and the lump, now about the size of a nickel, was not drained. She put me on two antibiotics and told me to continue the baths.
Fast forward to Saturday night. I had a complete breakdown in my tub during one of those awful baths. I mean, screaming at God, bawling my eyes out breakdown. So I texted my mom and said I was coming to Kansas City. I couldn't stay down in Springfield anymore. I packed a small bag, grabbed my laptop and left. By this time the lump was about the size of a quarter. I knew the antibiotics should have at least kept it from getting worse. Now jump to Sunday evening. I decide to go to the ER. I can't take the pain anymore. This was now my second trip to the ER in 2014.
We get into the room and wait for the nurse. She comes and takes a look at my problem. She states that she has never seen this before and that this will be interesting. A bit later the ER doctor comes in, takes a look, and also states he's never seen anything like this. He left to call the OB that was on call for the night. I was freaking out. I mean, seriously? It can't be good when an ER doctor tells you that he doesn't know what something is. They're supposed to know just about everything, right? Well, when comes back he tells me that the OB told me that I need to go see a gynecologist on Monday. I left the ER with two more prescriptions - pain medicine and nausea medicine (one of the antibiotics had me throwing up all Sunday morning).
So yesterday I go into the gynecologist office, and see this doctor. He takes a super long look, and says the same thing as the ER doctor - he's never seen this before. He leaves and gets another gynecologist. She comes in, looks, and says the same thing. Btw - it's now the size of a good sized grape. They decided they wanted to try to drain it again. This would require them numbing me and then sticking a rather large needle in it. I freaked out. I didn't want another needle down there. Friday was painful enough. But I felt I had no other option. But once he started to get ready to do it, I had a panic attack. So we decided to do the surgery route. I left the gynecologist office with my fifth prescription - a new antibiotic. They titled the surgery "Incision and Drainage of Periclitoral Abscess". If you're brave, feel free to google it. A periclitoral abscess is super rare - so rare this is no research on it and it goes case by case - so rare that they know no cause.
Okay, for those who skipped all that - you can start reading here again.
So my surgery is at 2 pm tomorrow. Aside from all of this, we've ran into several other problems. One of them being my health insurance. Now that Matthew is active, I should be covered under Tricare. However, in their system he is listed as single, not married. And of course, the only one who can fix it is Matthew. So we've been paying up front and out of our own pockets. Then, after taking the third antibiotic, I found I'm allergic to it - which means that I'm more than likely allergic to penicillin. So that was fun. My doctor wants me to take a skin allergy test, but it's hard to get those done. For example, KU Med's first available appointment was in June.
I also had to call the Red Cross so that I could get an emergency message to Matthew, who had absolutely no idea this was even going on. What I didn't know is how complicated that would be. They needed a ton of info and they even had to call my doctor to verify that I was actually having surgery tomorrow. Finally, about 5:30 I got a call from a Texas number. It was Matthew. He was so shocked. The first words out of his mouth were "I just.... I just heard that you're....having...surgery tomorrow...?" So I gave him a very short version of what was going on and told him not to worry that I had a ton of people here to help me and be with me. He asked me if he needed to come home. I told him no, and that was the hardest thing. But I'll get to that in a minute. I then told him I needed him to fix the insurance thing for me. [Side note: It's now after midnight and I can no longer drink or eat anything. Just thinking about it makes me thirsty.] The phone call only lasted about five minutes. If that. By the time we got off, I could tell he was crying. I kept my composure until after I hung up, and then I lost it.
Okay, so there are the facts. Now here's how I've been feeling: overwhelmed, pained, sad, helpless, uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, despaired, lonely, miserable, and any other emotion you can think of.
Telling Matthew to not come home was seriously the hardest thing - harder than putting him on the plane exactly three weeks ago. I so badly wanted to just beg him to get on the next flight he could so that he could be by my side through this. But I know that isn't the best thing for him right now. He's already on Week 4, and he has an amazing flight. If he came home, he'd have to start all over. And I just couldn't do that to him. But that doesn't make it any easier. I must say that this week has really taught me what being a military spouse means. It means making some pretty big sacrifices. It means being very selfless. It means putting others, the military, and the country before yourself. When Matthew swore into the Air Force on March 4, I said I admired him for making this commitment. His mom pointed out that I had too, but I sort of dismissed it. I mean, I'm not the one who's doing the training and who's actually in the AF. But she's right. I made this commitment too, and I'm going to have to make sacrifices just as he is.
This week has been extremely trying - mentally, emotionally, physically. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh I don't know how you're doing it, you're so strong. If it were me, I'd never be able to go through this." To this I say, I'm not strong. In fact, I feel like I'm at my weakest right now. I think that we are all able to more than we ever thought possible when there are no other options. I'm trying to be strong and brave, but the key word is 'trying'. I've cried sooo much over the last few days. I can't remember the last time I've cried so much. It's exhausting, honestly. But the last thing I feel is strong.
I've really struggled as a Christian as well. As I mentioned before, I was screaming at God on Saturday. And I mean, I literally was screaming. I feel like He's turned his back on me. I know that isn't true. But I can't deny that I'm incredibly mad at God. It sounds childish, but I mean, come on, my husband just left, do I really need this too? It's not fair! I'm sure there's some lesson to be learned, but right now, I'm not too interested in it. If I were to see God, I'd probably punch Him in the face, not gonna lie. I still love God, don't get me wrong. I've spent so many hours over the last few days praying to Him. But I'm still angry. And I'm sure I will be for a little while. But I know that He has his own plan, and I know that this is just a part of it. So I will continue moving forward, as He wants me too. But I'm definitely dragging my feet right now.
Now that this is by far the longest blog I've ever written, I suppose I'll wrap this up. I have a million more things that I could type, but I guess I should really get some sleep before tomorrow. Tomorrow may be the hardest day of all. Or maybe the easiest since I'll be knocked out for part of it. Who knows. Either way, I know it will work out exactly as it should.
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